Starting New: At the Foot of the Cross I Lay It All Down

For those who don't know, this year has just about destroyed me on every level. I know that I was already damaged and broken from years past, this year was the end all to everything. 

October 2023, my husband Ron attempted suicide by a 9MM gun. We fought over his loaded gun for an hour and half, until I was finally able to get it away from him. I would hide the gun and ammunition, only for him to go on a search tearing the house apart and find it all. I would look and he would try to move his stuff to where I couldn't get to it, to take it from him. Please keep in mind, Ron was an alcoholic at that time, drinking so heavily that he couldn't fight through whatever was going on inside his mind. That is no excuse for his erratic behavior by any means. I threatened to leave him if he continued drinking and gave him an ultimatum of me or the alcohol. He was out of work for a month and half, I grew up angry and frustrated with life altogether. He was not just an alcoholic, he was not holding jobs, plus he smoked marijuana, so it all added up for me. I was tired of supporting him, when in all rights he should have been supporting me. He agreed to give up both addictions. 

October 31, 2023, I made the bold decision to renounce witchcraft and clean the house of all things that was used in witchcraft in our home. I went to our fire pit in the backyard and fell to my knees screaming out to God to please help us. I told God that I wanted to change, I wanted to be better, and not have all this in my life. I believed God heard me. We spent time looking for a church home here in Tucson, going to three different churches, hoping one would fit us. We watched services online for a few others here in Tucson, we watched Pastor Mark Driscoll even. 

December 31, 2023 - September 2024, we decided to go to Christian Faith Fellowship here in Tucson. We were there from January to September of this year. We both served in the coffee shop, I started in the children's ministry. We attended the Love Dare class. We were involved in two different Bible studies. It all came to an end. 

Throughout this year, we both changed jobs. Ron's dad passed away in April this year, which took Ron down into a bad spiral of drinking again. He was closet drinking, as he knew how I felt about it. He was pulling away from the church and in a way from me. 

I let the coffee shop manager that we were stepping down for a bit, I did not go into details on how things were unfolding in our home. I was severely depressed and Ron was a mess, I felt it was not a good thing to be around us. I also stepped out of the Bible studies as well. The pastor reached out to us both and advised us that nothing good will come from us walking away from God or the church family that He put in. I tried to share what I feeling and I was shut down by the pastor. Ron decided that we would attend Calvary Chapel here in Tucson instead. He felt that our "connections" or "family" was not really a family to us, especially when I clearly asked for prayers and it seemed that in the 9-10 months of attending, we never made true connections. 

October 2024, Ron collapsed at work while driving a golf cart, slamming his head on the ground, leading to a fractured skull with two brain bleeds. The damage he had can be and most of the time is fatal. We are blessed he is alive. Here is the thing that no one tells you with a traumatic brain injury, the person who sustained the injury goes through so many different feeling (childlike, toddler, anger, rage, sobbing, feeling worthless, depression, wanting to end their life), and how it impacts the caregiver as well as those in the household and around them, including pets. I have found myself biting my tongue, so we don't fight, because things I say get taken out of context, which leads to fights. I have been told that I would be better off if he died and so much more. I have held him while he is sobbing in my arms. I have had to deal with him like he is a child, having temper tantrums. While shopping, I find myself putting things back on shelves as he grabs stuff to put in the cart. While driving, he huffs a lot loudly as the sunlight hurts his eyes, he complains about the roads, and the people. At one point, he complained about me paying the bills and not having any money for what he wanted, leaving me to feel as though I was not doing enough. 

We have been going to physical therapy appointments twice a week, doctors appointments, and I run to the store for grocery shopping as well as picking up the 5 medicines that he is on. I try not to complain or cry in front of him. I find myself taking car rides alone just to breathe a little. 

Through all of the 22 years that I have been with him and the 14 years I was with my ex, I have lost myself trying to be the "perfect" wife and mother for them and three of the four daughters we have between us. We do not have children together. He has two daughters, I have two daughters. I tried to make everyone happy and lost myself over the last 36 years of my life, mind you I am 54, so that more than half my life, giving all I am to others. I spent most of my life trying to be what others wanted me to be. I lost myself through all of the years and now I need to make changes to get to me. 

I posted on Facebook about how I needed time out of this house as I work from home, take care of the home, pets, Ron, and just literally do nothing for myself. Two weeks ago, we had a fight which ended in me destroying all my arts and crafts stuff, I threw away all makeup, and fell completely apart. 

Thursday December 12, 2024, Ron woke up seriously sick. He was laid up in bed until yesterday. He was not a nice person to be around. He had a doctors appointment Friday, which I drove him to and the way the doctor was towards me made me feel like I am worthless or not doing enough. I ended up sleeping on the couch from Wednesday night to Sunday night because Ron was not very nice at all. 

Saturday, December 14, 2024, I found myself at the end of my rope, hanging on by a little thread, begging God to please show me what to do from where I was. I heard a voice tell me to drive to a local church, get out of my car to sit at the foot of the cross, then lay all it all down for Jesus to take up. I drove to the church, I got out of my car, sat not the ground at the foot of the cross, sobbing, crying out to Jesus to take it all and guide me in the new direction that I am take. I heard Him tell me that I need to release this, I need to get out of the rut that I have been so deeply stuck in. All I could do was ask "HOW?" I heard "I will show as we go, you need to trust ME." I got a message on Facebook on my one post saying "As you wish" it was from my mom, she sent me $100 to go out and enjoy myself alone. I got in the car again, drove to Hobby Lobby which was packed, I didn't go in. I went to Gospel Supplies, they were packed, I left there. I drove home and decided that the next day was Sunday, I would go to church with or without Ron.

Overnight, Ron felt a lot worse and I said "Time to go to the emergency room" only to get told quite viciously that the emergency room won't have anyone there to take care of him and we will go in the morning. It was another sleepless night for us, this makes 4 nights in a row for us both.

Sunday, December 15, 2024, we got up, I took care of the house, pets, and got him to the emergency room. Because he is a brain injury patient, they have to take him right away. He was complaining about a severe level 8 head pain, burning where his fracture had been, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and now he said his pancreas hurt. So off we went, so much for church. We found out that his blood work looks great, no pancreas issues, no flu, no covid, his liver however is inflamed, and he now has diverticulosis. 

I told him that my mom sent me money to spend on me, he got an attitude with me, which he now doesn't remember. As we were getting ready to leave the hospital, he says that he is now hungry and wants McDonalds, I guess I made a face, which meant I had an attitude, which led to him having an attitude with me. I ended up just taking him to get what he wanted and taking him home. Once I knew he was settled in, I left the house. I needed to get away from the house. 

I started out with thinking that I would get pizza from NY Pizza, only to end up at Little Anthony's Diner. 

 It's a 50s style diner. The hostess greeted and sat me down at a table, where I could see the amazing entrance almost in the middle of the diner. Above my head played 50s - 60s Christmas classics, while the staff dressed as though you were back in the 50s. 

 The entire was decorated for Christmas and it brought back so many memories of my childhood, the great memories of my mom singing Christmas songs and dancing with me before they became Jehovah's Witnesses. One song in particular made me tear up, Jingle Bell Rock by Brenda Lee, the moment that song came on, I could see my mom singing and dancing with me. 

The waitress came to take my order, I ordered a BBQ beef sandwich, fries with gravy (just like back in NJ), and a chocolate malted. It was truly a treat.

I watched the people around me, wishing that Ron and I could get back to being the couple that goes out together and enjoys each other's company. When the waitress came to ask how things were, I fell apart, I just couldn't help it, here I am sobbing in the middle of the diner. I started to get embarrassed that others saw me this way. She asked me if everything is ok, this time she didn't mean the food, she meant me. I told her about Ron and his accident, how everything was just too much to bear. She asked if she could hug me, I said yes and she did, I sobbed harder. She said she was so happy she got to meet me and hoped that things would get better. A few minutes later, she came back to check on me again, as I getting ready to pay for my meal, she said "It's on us. Please try to have a better day and great Christmas." The tears just kept falling as I never expected it. I asked for box for my food and a cup for my malted, once I get it all together, I went to leave and the staff came up to me, they each gave me hugs and warm wishes. I walked to my car in tears, I never expected anyone to be kind to me. It's the kindest anyone has been this entire year. 

I drove to Joann's first to look around as I felt I needed to do something creative for me, I need to get back to ME!! I know I am a daughter of God, I know my identity in Christ. I just didn't know myself anymore. I didn't know what my favorite things were, what I liked to do, or anything. I bought myself a diamond painting, a frame for it, a hedgehog decoration, and wax melts. 

I called my mom as I was so happy that she helped me to get out of the house. I was not sad to be alone, I felt free. I told her all the stuff that has been going on and sent her the link to Little Anthony's Diner, she asked if we have been to a car show there. I responded with "No, Ron doesn't like those or sports, so we don't do any of that." She got upset about that, because she realized in that moment that I truly did give all of who I was to be with Ron and keep him happy. I used to love sports, car shows, festivals, malls, farmer's markets, and getting out, over time I let all of that go, this did upset her. 

I told her that as I was doing this stuff alone, I decided it's time for me to get to living my life, even if that means Ron's not on board with what I love. I drove to Kohls, where I bought a new purse and t-shirt for myself, I had so much fun there. I was gone for 3-4 hours on my own, I didn't worry about him being home alone, I didn't worry about the pets, or the house. I needed that time alone to clear my head and realize that I need to stop worrying Ron's happiness and taking care of him so much. I need to embrace self care and doing things that make me happy, regardless of how he feels. 

As the night progressed, his step brother called my phone to ask how Ron was doing, I told him and he gave me some tips to help Ron's liver and diverticulosis. After he did that he asked how I am doing, am I taking care of myself. I told him what my mom did and he said really loudly "GOOD!", he was happy to hear that I went out of the house by myself. He even said he noticed that I lost myself and I was not the person he met back in 1989. I told him I thought about taking down all the Christmas stuff and he said "Don't you dare do that! You always loved Christmas, don't do it Rach" He then admitted to me that this mother went through of the similar stuff with Ron's dad with being told that things were either too expensive or a waste or whatever negative thing that could be said to take away the joy. He said he didn't want to see me end up like his mom, who is now alone and depressed. I told him after my time out, I decided that I am going to start living my life, whether Ron wants to be a part of it or not. He said "Good! Hopefully he will want to be a part of it."

Today, I woke up and decided to move my blog to Blogger from WordPress. I am tired of spending all that money to have it on WordPress. I was going to make a venting blog for myself so I can be completely honest and not watch my words. As I was moving this blog, I could hear God telling me to not hide myself from anyone, even Ron. Be honest, raw, and real, if people don't like it well tough toodles. 

So here I am starting over with a new platform, a free one. I set up the blog, the best I can right now. I will do my best not to be negative or depressing, I cannot promise that though. I cannot always be a ray of sunshine, as that is not realistic. 

I am laying down all of this year and years past at the foot of the cross, I am not picking it up again. I don't want the crap of the past. I want to take this time moving forward to be my true, authentic self that God made me to be. 

Now I need to make myself a list of all the things I love about myself. I need to make a list of all the things that I love, my favorite things (yes I am singing that song), and I am going to start living my life, regardless of whether or not Ron wants to be with me in doing things and going places. I can no longer allow myself to be held hostage, captive, or held back from living a great life. I want to make memories and leave a better legacy behind. 

I want to be remembered as a brave, courageous, generous, caring, forgiving, loving, strong, tenacious, sassy, and fun loving woman who lived life to the fullest. 

To those of you reading this, I truly hope you are in with me for this journey. 

I hope to inspire others to make a positive change. I hope that I do get followers to my blog. I hope to make new friendships and truly be happy.