Here I am sitting in our living room of our home, with my coffee next to me, Winston sits at the front door as it's open to let the fresh air in, the living room feels bare without the Christmas decor up. It feels like a cold tomb without having the love seat in here, as it is now in my office. We even got rid of the old area rug that was stinking up the house, now it's a bare tile floor. This house is like living in a tomb most days, unless Ron has the TV on, he watches a range of movies, which I can hear from the office. The walls are white, tile floors, except the office and bedrooms which was linoleum, no area rugs anywhere to warm the rooms up and no color, no liveliness to speak of. Sure, we have three dogs and two ferrets, maybe 3 houseplants, there is just no real liveliness or great energy in this house. I feel like I am trapped in a tomb. I need more to my life and to my home. I need happy, positive energy to brings me, Ron, the pets, our marriage and home to life. Where do I start?
Will anyone honestly read this and care about what is truly going on with me? I know some will say that is self absorbed, that is fine if you think that. If you knew or know me, you know that I put others above myself. I tend to give myself away fully and ask for nothing back, except maybe for a little friendship or a listening ear. I don't ask for material possessions, I can buy those for myself in time, not to mention people tend to hold that things over your head if they buy you gifts or help you in any kind of way. I just want someone to have conversations with, who will hear my heart and be there for me. I want someone who will go window shopping with me, have coffee or a meal, go see a movie, or do a road trip with me. I don't think that is too much to ask for.
I realized as I was starting to write this that I am tired of staring out the windows of our home, looking out at the houses across the street, seeing people live their lives, here we are stuck. I am tired of looking out at the world and not being a part of the world, please start lecturing me about how we as Christians are not supposed to be a part of this world. That is not what I mean at all, I mean I want to get out of this house to live life, not watch it as it passes us by. I don't need to be partying, excessive shopping, or always dining out, it would be nice to get out though. Not just food shopping, doctors appointments, or physical therapy sessions.
I have been keeping quiet and keeping to myself anymore. I am a very quiet, subdued, introverted person, that I don't recognize, know, or like too much. When I do speak, Winston tends to jump up and go crazy running around, acting like a little lunatic, because the dogs are not used to me speaking much. I rarely play music in my office or do much of anything. I still wear clothes from 2022, I really don't do my hair anymore, it gets thrown into a ponytail or just hangs. I have some makeup, which I rarely wear.
I rarely talk to anyone, even Ron. I feel like my words fall on deaf ears and no one really cares about what I am feeling or thinking, the focus is on Ron and how he is doing anyway. So I hold it all in again, bottling it up. I am finding myself unable to speak some days because as soon as words come out, I start to bawl my eyes out, then I cannot even speak, so I remain silent and to myself. I am not who I ever wanted it to be by any means, my life is not what I wanted it to be by any means. I did not plan to move to Arizona just to sit in a house 24 hours, 7 days a week. Here I am, fifty four years old and my life is not healthy by any means, it's depressing, lifeless, and lonely. Something needs to change, I know I may need to be the catalyst in this change and I may need to do it alone, because I don't know if Ron will be a part of this change or if he will just sit there wanting to stay stuck.
I want a big huge happy change in my life, I want to feel like I am able to breathe freely and not have all the stress that I have had in the past. My life is pretty quiet right now, well other than working full time, taking care of the house, running errands, and taking Ron to his doctor appointments and physical therapy sessions. There is no drama in my life, no negativity, which is great, unless Ron has one of his moments where he is battling his brain injury and emotions get flying.
I would like to be able to feel like I am human and not a robot. I would like to start getting out of this house that I feel trapped in. This kind of life may be great for some, for me, I need a little more. I need to get outside, go hiking, go to Mt. Lemmon, Tombstone, Bisbee (I have never been), Wilcox, and see more of what there is in Arizona. As much as some will not want to hear it, I need more to life than this. If that bothers some of you, then so be it. I am tired of hiding who I am, I know what I like and what I want in my life, I am going to go after it and get what I want, even if that means I do it alone. I am hoping Ron will be on board, but who knows how he is or will be, his brain injury has changed him, he is not the same person I met or married.
I feel very alone and more isolate than I have ever been anymore.
I need a change of some kind, I know I have said this for a while, I really do need change of some kind. I am not too old for a change. Something needs to improve because I feel like I am dying on the inside and I don't want to live this way anymore.
Where do I start to make this change?
Why am I so scared to make a change?
